Alright, settle in, grab your mead (or coffee, I’m not judging), because I’m about to tell you the most exciting, morally questionable, and frankly, hilarious way to become a paid assassin in Skyrim. Yes, I’m talking about joining the Dark Brotherhood. Forget being a Dragonborn for a minute; we're going pro!
Now, I know what you're thinking: “But isn’t killing people bad?” Well, yeah, in *real* life, it definitely is. But in Skyrim? Eh, it's more like career advancement! Think of it as performance-based compensation, but with more screaming and fewer HR complaints. Plus, free daggers!
Step 1: Rumors, Whispers, and the Horrors of… Children?
The first step on your journey to becoming a master assassin is, ironically, listening to gossip. Skyrim is basically one giant game of telephone, and this time, the rumor you need to eavesdrop on involves a rather… troubled kid named Aventus Aretino in Windhelm. Apparently, he's been performing the Black Sacrament, a dark ritual to summon the Dark Brotherhood. Because, you know, kids these days.
Finding Aventus is pretty straightforward. Head to Windhelm, look for the Aretino Residence, and prepare to be slightly disturbed. I won't spoil all the details, but let's just say he's... *enthusiastic* about wanting someone whacked. Now, here's the funny part: you don't actually *have* to accept his request immediately. You can be a hero, tell the guards, the whole nine yards. But honestly, who’s going to choose the righteous path when there's a shadowy organization beckoning with promises of wealth and a lifetime supply of black robes?
Step 2: A Wee Bit of Murder (Optional… Kinda)
Alright, so Aventus wants someone… removed. Do the deed. It's not exactly brain surgery. Just follow the quest marker, find the target, and unleash your inner assassin. You can go full stealth ninja, all silent and deadly, or you can charge in screaming like a berserker. The Dark Brotherhood isn’t picky about methodology, just results. And corpses. Mostly corpses.
A surprising fact: some players feel *really* guilty about this first assassination. Don’t be! It's a video game! Besides, think of all the innocent chickens you've probably slaughtered without a second thought. This is just one less NPC cluttering up the taverns.
Step 3: Sleep and Consequences (and a Very Chatty Door)
Once your target is pushing up daisies (or snowdrops, this is Skyrim after all), head back to Aventus, collect your reward (it’s not much, let’s be honest), and then… sleep. Yes, that’s right. You need a nap. All that murdering is exhausting.
Now, here's where things get interesting. You'll wake up in an abandoned shack. Not just *any* abandoned shack, mind you. This one's got a sassy, talking door. Yes, you read that right. A talking door. Skyrim, everyone! The voice, it turns out, belongs to Astrid, the leader of the Dark Brotherhood. She’s not thrilled that you took a contract from her organization without, you know, *joining* first. Think of it like freelancing without a permit. She’s going to give you a little… "orientation".
Astrid isn't happy you stole their gig, and gives you three "options" of kidnapped victims that you have to kill. If you want to join the brotherhood, you have to follow through with killing one of them, but a little known easter egg you can do to start down the path to the actual brotherhood, is killing Astrid. This will lead to destroying the Dark Brotherhood but for this tutorial, we’re assuming you don’t want to wipe them out.
Step 4: Welcome to the Family (We’re All a Little Dysfunctional)
Once you've proven your dedication to the art of… you know… *removing* people, Astrid will officially invite you to join the Dark Brotherhood. Congratulations! You're now part of a family of assassins! Think of it like Thanksgiving dinner, but with more poisoned stuffing and fewer awkward political arguments. Actually, scratch that, it's *exactly* like Thanksgiving dinner.
You'll be introduced to the rest of the quirky cast, receive your own room in the sanctuary (which is way cooler than your mom's basement, even if it *does* have a distinct aroma of death), and start receiving contracts to… well, you get the idea.
The Dark Brotherhood questline is one of the most entertaining in Skyrim. You'll get to use creative methods of assassination, unravel conspiracies, and earn sweet loot. Plus, you get to say things like "Hail Sithis!" which is just inherently cool. So go forth, Dragonborn! Embrace your inner assassin, and remember: Always leave a clean corpse!
